September 13, 2011

Finding Joy

Where is it?

For several months now, actually for nearly a year, I feel like I'm faking any joy I show to the outside world. I don't know. I can't articulate it. But, it feels like I forgot how to be happy. Really happy. I've been so busy with work and family that it's consuming my life to the point that I can't relax. I can't just. be. I don't know joy much anymore. Truly.

The only thing that seemed to break thru some of the listless fog was the Mass and Adoration. Even there I often felt like I was not taking my cares as an offering to the Lord so much as carrying on my own internal dialogue consisting of worry of all the crap I needed to do or could be doing rather than sitting here with God seemingly doing nothing constructive.

Of course, the last was the planted idea of Satan. I told him to shove off.

However, a few weeks ago I finally realized that what I mistake as lack of joy is really ingratitude for the blessings God has bestowed upon me. I have employment. I pretty much got what I wanted in that regard. Heck, I even started a new job this week: how many people these days get to announce they got a new job much less A job?

When I got my new job I was practically yawning in detached arrogance. Of course, I got a new gig. I'm fabulous. How I got this new gig (I can't reprint the story here) is a nearly perfect illustration of how God must have had some hand in it because it's an almost perfect example of how nothing is impossible for God.

I finally realized while I may have some merit; I owe nothing to my own merit. Somewhere along the line I half awoke to the realization that God. Really. God. God is behind everything. Every blessing every seeming non-blessing, every tragedy, God is always there. Whether He's carrying me, adminonishing me, offering His hand in help as I sink in the deep, giving advice, offering His presence, He is always around.

Once again, He is always present but I must need my eyes checked because I don't always see Him. Even when He is there, I must be ignoring Him.

I can't remember, honestly, when I have felt as stupid as I have felt the last few weeks - once I realized what I was doing. I was taking credit for too much. No wonder I felt joyless. I knew it was wrong.

Only God is true Joy.

5 Comments:

Blogger Adrienne said...

I don't think God intended us to be deliriously happy all the time. Without downs we would never recognize the ups - or something.

September 13, 2011 10:24 PM  
Blogger Kathryn said...

I agree with Adrienne. Plus, without the feeling that something isn't quite right, we would probably just take joy in ourselves or other people and not go looking for God. And then keep looking for Him until we trust He is there even if we don't recognize His presence always.

September 13, 2011 10:59 PM  
Blogger Ray from MN said...

And we are all burdened with our own Cross/Crosses, in emulation of the Passion and Death of Our Lord. How else are we going to get to Heaven?

September 14, 2011 8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Cathy,

Thanks for reminding me to count my blessing. Have a good day on this lovely fall day.

Pax et Bonum,

Katie

September 15, 2011 12:16 PM  
Anonymous Lady.Rosary said...

I'm always in awe whenever I remember a line that said, find something that fills your heart with joy. It's never an easy task but I think whenever we can find that something, we have to treasure it because one way or another a problem is gonna interrupt that feeling. It's our gratitude that can prolong it somehow.

September 20, 2011 8:17 AM  

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