March 28, 2011

The Cross

Some days I miss my old life. I don’t miss being a dissident per se but some days I hear my old sins calling me and I regret, actually regret, that I can’t answer.

Some days I curse being a Catholic and actually trying to live a Catholic life. It’s such a burden. It’s such a cross. Some days I want to set it down. Some days I wish other people could carry it-let someone else be good for a change.

I want to party without guilt. I want to date without consequences.

I don’t give in but I’m tempted. I may not give in but I feel resentful. What is it all for? Live now be purified later. How about that death bed conversion?

I know. This is folly. The moment of death may be too late. It is too late. I may want to party now but I sure don’t want to hear St. Peter reciting the list of my unrepentent sins when it really counts.


Blogger Nan said...

Partying and dating have different consequences in the secular world than in the Catholic world, but there are still consequences.

Thank your Father for sending his only-begotten Son to save you from the Party King from Hell.

March 28, 2011 9:05 PM  
Blogger Terry Nelson said...

I'd like to smoke... but I can't because it's a sin.

March 28, 2011 9:15 PM  
Blogger RJW said...

You have beautifully put into words what I so often feel.

March 28, 2011 10:20 PM  
Blogger 3puddytats said...

I am a fairly recent Catholic, having entered the Church in 2002. Where it really hit home was this past couple of weeks at my place of employment where I had to accomplish paperwork for renewal of my personal background check going back 7-10 more shady characters and questionable roomies in the background, no more financial irresponsibility, no more 15 residences in 10 years that you have to remember all the addresses/phone numbers/roomies/ neighbors, no more arrests or DUIs to have to explain, no more drug use, no more visits to the shrink, no multiple divorces/remarriages, no one-night stands that I'm trying to track down 6 years after the fact,no more trying to remember exactly HOW many nights I spent in Mexico, including the ones drunk in a Mexican jail...

Uh personal life has becme rather boring since I became Catholic.. and ya know, I'd much rather prefer boring :) My background check will be a breeeze :)


March 28, 2011 10:59 PM  
Blogger Ray from MN said...

Cathy: You are in my daily prayers.

March 29, 2011 8:05 PM  
Blogger Lee Strong said...

Sigh. I know the same feelings. I try to be good, but memories, images, temptations, they pop up. Sometimes in the middle of Mass! Or while saying the rosary.

Yep, that Satan is good at what he does.

April 01, 2011 6:58 AM  
Blogger Yeoman said...

I just found this blog for the first time, but let me recommend St. Francis de Sales book "Introduction to the Devout Life. As somebody who isn't a dissident, but with my own issues to work on, I've found it to be stunningly insightful. If I recall correctly, it addresses the yearnings towards sin you are mentioning, and it will pass in time.

April 04, 2011 2:16 PM  
Blogger Green said...

I use to think the hardest part is when the world comes after you for your belief and labels you with evil for not going along, for not showing the secualar sacrament of tolerance of everything.

Then one day I discovered something even harder and that is facing the truth and doing nothing about it. Lay people in the Catholic Church have an obligation to bring the truth of the Catholic Church as well as the love of Christ to the world. We want the Church leadership to teach and to stand strong, but then we get weak in the knees when confronted and walk away saying "whatever". If we who are out there every day and who know what the Church teaches and instead of bringing truth, simply do as far to many priests who give homilies of love and no pain, the easy way without the cross, who are we to complain.

Then again, each of us still has to take up that personal cross designed for us with such great love that can only be carried with total surrender. I find my solace not in the namby pamby saints, but in those who got into the face of the Pope if necessary or those like Mother Theresa who went into the lions den of liberalism and spoke truth to those while receiving her nobel prize about the culture of death. She did not shy away from truth even when sitting with world leaders like the Clintons. When we are talking about an ongoing holocaust greater than any other in world history, they will ask what did you do to end it..

April 14, 2011 2:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We must always remember that we are in conflict with the world,the flesh ,and the devil. The fact that we experience this conflict on a daily basis is proof of Gods Love and action in our lives ,and by His grace we are responding ;albeit imperfectly!If we find all going well in our lives it is a time of great concern as the Cross is our salvation. So be joyful in your conflicts by faith and be careful of pride by intellect............if you intellectualize your faith you will most certainly lose it!
O Crux,ave spes unica!
Stay close to Blessed Mother by Praying the Rosary everyday!

April 19, 2011 7:32 AM  

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