October 01, 2009

Guidelines for Avoiding Contagion

The following are NOT the official H1N1 guidence issued by the Archdiocese of St. Paul/Minneapolis. You can read those here. This is just me being a snark because it’s been too durn long and I’m feeling goofy.

The following practices will help prevent the spread of illness, liturgical abuse and sin. In the interest of Christian charity, good taste and for the mercy of God, please for crying out loud follow them. Thanks!

1.If you suspect something is wrong with you, stay home. The last place you want to be is at Holy Mass! If you feel like it and no other family event that you may, strangely, still feel up to going to (but not Mass!) is not conflicting with your time; watch Mass or some other religious program (Packer games do NOT count) on TV, pray, read an approved translation of the Bible, study the Catechism (buy a Catechism)

2.If you do drag yourself to Mass, during the Sign of Peace (availability may vary depending upon parish and priest) cover your mouth and mumble “Peace be with you” (Pax Tecum). Do not offer your hand. You may also bow. I know in some parishes (you know who you are) for the love of Mother Mary, do NOT hug or kiss anyone.

3.Hand holding during the “Our Father” is strictly prohibited. At all times. Period. I don’t care how good you feel. Heh.

4.A reminder that during Communion, receiving the Host only is to receive Christ in His entiriety. Same goes for receiving the Precious Blood only but some of us need basic instruction so there it is. In any case, if you are sick, you realize that NOWHERE is it written that you MUST receive at every single Mass, right? It’s not a right. You dig?

5.Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion should not be touching anything. In fact, they should unite themselves spritually to the Sacrifice and remain seated!

6.Sick is sick-whether you receive Communion in the hand or on the tongue. One is not healthier than the other. Who knows where your hands have been? Where the EMHC or priest’s hands have been? Where’s your tongue been? Yuck.

7.Do NOT drink, bathe or aspirate your nose from the Holy Water font! For crying out loud, don’t splash it around either! Hey, who’s been in that full body Baptismal pool? I saw you!

8.No one should be sterilizing the Sacred Vessels except the priest-with the help of the Ultra Wash Hi/Lo systems that every parish should invest in.

9.Practice good hygiene! Wash your hair, shave, bathe, clean and press your clothes before coming to Holy Mass. Be considerate of others!

If we all follow these guidelines, I'll, er, WE'LL all feel better! Yes!

6 Comments:

Blogger Ray from MN said...

4.9 LJ's (you don't need more than one 5 LJ awards).

And this will be included in my daily situation report to the "powers that be!"

If you see a Town Car with tinted black windows on all four sides with "Z-Plates", cruising slowly through your neighborhood, watch out!

October 01, 2009 8:45 AM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Ray: Are you hanging out with those Mafia guys again?

October 01, 2009 8:55 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Void where prohibited.
Your results may vary.
;D

October 01, 2009 10:31 AM  
Blogger Angela M. said...

LOL!!!

October 01, 2009 7:51 PM  
Blogger Terry Nelson said...

Cath - do you get real dizzy when you skip your meds?

October 01, 2009 11:13 PM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Ter: They are the same meds you are on!

October 02, 2009 9:36 AM  

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