May 22, 2009

For Hire

Perusing the job boards this morning...

Wanted: Presidential Apologist
Are you well-versed in the art of communication manipulation? Are you committed to the common good? Are you willing to do anything and say it creatively? Are you able to forgive and gloss over lies and deceit without any moral qualms? Are you passionately committed to justifying the office of the current President without mentioning his race, the historical precedent of his office, his handsomeness, his clothes, or his charm, as a reason for your love?

If you are intrigued, a quasi-governmentally funded organization with, unable to prove in court, ties to the DNC wants to talk to you!

Preferred Requirements:
Demonstrated ability to make excuses
Proven commitment to a progressive cause
Telegenic and physically-fit
Strong public speaking skills
History of convoluted and confusing writing skills
Global citizen
Righteous indignation without spitting
Discern and attack the speck in the "other sides" eye while ignoring the plank in your own
Inability and unwillingness to judge unless it suits the purpose
Complete lack of shame

Additional Considerations:
Knowledge of many subjects (preferably: world religions, world political and social movements, literature, music, canine breeds) expert in none

To apply:
* Submit a 3 x 5 color digital photo with cover letter, resume and vita (Word compatible);
* 5 minute (QuickTime compatible) clip (full body, plain blue backdrop, use a podium) of you verbally defining/explaining/defending/justifying a subject or topic of your choosing (falsified and inaccurate charts and graphics are acceptable as part of presentation, but the point is to see and hear you, not backup documents)**
* 140 word essay (Word compatible) of your thoughts and feelings on a topic of your choosing**
(**suggested topics: homosexuality, marriage, education, abortion, family, torture, imprisonment, corporate financial management, labor unions, federal budget, taxation, guns, U.S. Constitution)
* Candidates are STRONGLY encouraged as part of the application process to avoid using paper, any form of delivery that requires gas (air, ground, public transit), any hard media (DVD, flash drives et. al.) that needs to be specially recycled to a landfill in Argentina. Please be kind to your Mother (Earth), and upload materials via the web application portal.

Salary: Negotiable.
Bonus: Not reportable.
Benefits: Federal health insurance (for up to 3 loved ones of any age or self-identity), basement safe in a non-disclosed location for your retirement funds, Toyota Prius (hybrid), parking spot

Term: Regime dependent

Candidates will have to undergo and survive a ridiculously easy lip-service federal background check and public evisceration in the minority right-wing wacko media. Candidates will not be required to provide proof of U.S. citizenship or income tax payment

NO agencies.


Blogger Joe of St. Thérèse said...

LOL! Sounds like our president

May 22, 2009 2:30 PM  
Blogger Nan said...

Dear Sir or Madam,

Following you will find my 140 word or less essay in application for the position of bootlicker in chief:

Failure to endorse homosexual education and marriage is akin to the imprisonment to family currently advocated by those who oppose abortion rights. The only remedy the U.S. Constitution requires is to add to the federal budget earmarks for corporate financial management, to be funded by additional taxation of labor unions and guns, thus serving the greater good by reducing the number of firearms later collected by community organizers.

I look forward to hearing further from you regarding the interview process.


Rabid Liberal Koolaid drinking grrl

May 22, 2009 6:09 PM  
Blogger Terry Nelson said...

Oh - I hope you get it - continued prayers on your job search - I didn't read the entire post - but things are so desperate, take what you can get.

May 22, 2009 9:35 PM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Ter: Nan's a sure thing!

Don't you have the sense to come in out of the rain?

May 23, 2009 10:46 AM  
Blogger Terry Nelson said...

No I do not. I'm an idiot. ;)

May 23, 2009 11:35 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

LOL...if Barry can do it, so can you! LOL

May 23, 2009 6:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA! What a great post.

Off subject: You cross my mind daily--I suppose it's the Holy Spirit coming to tell me to PRAY FOR YOU! Okay, okay, I'm praying the Holy Spirit leads you to the right job--that makes a ton of money--or that you find some really handsome RICH, RICH, RICH Man to marry.

May 24, 2009 12:30 AM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Tara: LOL! Thanks for prayers.

May 24, 2009 9:40 AM  

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