January 16, 2008

Times of Trouble

Gentle Reader:

I know I've been scarce lately. My hiatus excuses were legit but not the whole story of what is going on. I'm not going to blog about specifics so you folks who read blogs for all the salacious gossip can go elsewhere, please.

Life is going really badly for me right now. My relationship with Christ has been inconstant to poor since the New Year. I swear I did not make a New Year's resolution to abandon God, yet, I feel like I'm doing just about everything in my power to drive Him away.

I have a tendency when things are going poorly to keep deliberately piling more badness upon myself to the point where I am almost non-functional. Well, these days I'm functional, but I'm not being very Christian.

I think we all have periods like this. I'm by no means suicidal. I feel numb like I'm just existing. Nothing spectacular, this is it.

I'm in a serious state of sin right now and I need to go to Confession. Right now, it looks like the earliest I can get to an open Confessional is Saturday afternoon. I'm just praying I'm not in a car accident between now and Saturday.

Things are bad and I'm low.

These are those dark days we all hear about. Those days that test you. Well, I feel like I'm failing. I'm not giving up but I just feel like I'm losing my grip.

I'm sure this is the most incoherent thing I've ever posted in the entire life of this blog and I'm not always known for making sense as it is, am I? :-)

It's been so tough that I've debated dropping the blog altogether because I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed. But, I decided not to do that because in many ways this blog, as useless to humanity as it is, has been a lifesaver for ME. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I'm usually brutally honest, and there it is. I NEED the blog, more then anyone else. I have to have the public forum to expose myself in to keep myself from going completely back to the way I was before-but worse. I think when we fall back we fall back badder.

Thanks for listening. God bless you. Please pray for me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

My prayers, especially to fight off any spirits of despair that may assail you. Be wary of the Accuser "who night and day accuses us before God." "Now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Rm 8:1. Though sin may be present, our Lord still thirsts for you. He convicts but does not condemn.

January 16, 2008 8:37 PM  
Blogger ignorant redneck said...

Cathy of Alex--

Peace of Christ be upon you! And yo0ur saint, St. Catherine of Alexandria is right now, this very minute praying for you! And you will be remembered at our prayers, and in mine tonight!

Don't feel as if you are apart from Our Lord, for if you were, you would feel no loss, no seperation now. And yes, you need to go to confession. But it's interesting, the very fact that you feel the need indicates grace, for if Our Lord had "given you up to a reprobate spirit" you wouldn't even care. But you do care.

Consider the storey of the the weeping woman, who bathed Christs feet with her tears, and annointed them with expensive ointment from an alabaster jar. It's in Luke, 36-50.

In this event, Jesus points something out--The person who is forgiven much, loves much. Then he goes on to say, the woman is forgiven because she has loved much. But think for a minute--the cause of her love is the fact she was fogiven! To love the Lord, to feel contrition, the need to go to confession, stems from "forgivness", from grace. You my dear, are not far from the Lord, and you are in the throws of being blessed.

Because it's times like this that we learn we are nothing---only weakness. And so entirely dependent on the mercy of Our Lord.

So you've fallen, I don't know what troubles you in specific, but you've "poked a badger with a spoon". Big deal! Because against this fall, you can set the cross that sets us free, and the Love of a God who wants more than anything else to make us his family.

So tonight, when you go to sleep, whether you toss and turn, or cry, or fall into an exhausted funk, remember, Your Mother, is cradeling you with her prayers, your sister and brothers of the Church Triumphant, are praying for you, and at least one faceless friend in the Church Militant will rember you. And, your Father in Heaven is looking upon you with love for his sorrowing Daughter--you are not alone.

So you will wake up, say a quick prayer, and move on with contrition, compuction and repentance, to attend to your conversion, knowing that Our God Loves you more than we can even concieve!

January 16, 2008 8:38 PM  
Blogger swissmiss said...

Hang in there, lots of folks are praying for you. Will include you in the prayer intentions at bible study tomorrow...the prayers of those saintly ladies should help to get things back on track.

Keep doing what you know you should. That was always my dad's advice...keep persevering!

January 16, 2008 8:53 PM  
Blogger Vincenzo said...

I'm praying for you Cathy.

January 16, 2008 9:05 PM  
Blogger Ma Beck said...

I know what you mean. We've most of us been there.

You're a champ.
Remember Mother Teresa's valiant struggle against her demons, and ask for her help.

My prayers for you.

January 16, 2008 9:06 PM  
Blogger Ray from MN said...

God Bless You, Cathy.

Small world isn't it. I've been going through the same kinds of things and Confession is indeed the answer for your interior life. Prayers, and you are in mine, may solve those problems outside of your personal control.

The big difference between us is that I don't talk much about my problems.

I'll make you an intention at Mass tomorrow.

And make sure you are wearing your scapular. I have an extra if you need one.

January 16, 2008 9:30 PM  
Blogger Angela M. said...

Cathy - praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy for you, Sweetie.

January 16, 2008 10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know you don't know me, but perhaps that will make this more meaningful.

I only recently came across your blog and it is some of the most honest, refreshing, and genuinely insightful writing I've read in a while.

I really appreciate your sharing your thoughts.

I am a student, and although I do not know exactly what kind of hardships you are going through, I totally understand how it feels to be overwhelmed and feel the trust you've placed in God slipping through the cracks. It is easy to get lost amid all the noise in the world and we often find ourselves in a whirlwind of confusion and doubt. Remember that even the most brilliant theologians and saints have gone through periods of darkness in their lives. I know you will pull through this and you will be renewed with hope. My prayers are with you.

January 16, 2008 11:43 PM  
Blogger Tom in Vegas said...

Hey, stop thinking about car wrecks before you make it to confession on Saturday. God is more merciful than us both can fathom.

Take a break and stop worrying. And when you feel you are ready, stop by the confessional and make amends. HE probably just wants to see you more than anything:0)

Praying for you,

BTW, let me state the obvious: EVERYBODY goes through something like this.

January 17, 2008 2:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Roman prayers for you in these days...for perseverence in trust that God is faithful, most of all.

One of my professors here often reminds us that however far we fall (and fall again) in our sin, Christ fell lower than that. He did so in order that, when we find ourselves despairing of our ability to do anything good and of ever finding a way out of this pit, all we must do is fall back on His grace, and He will carry us.

He is faithful. Remember that, and do not be afraid to come before Him emptyhanded.

January 17, 2008 4:13 AM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ, thank you for all the prayers and advice. I feel much better this a.m. I will remember your intentions in my prayers.

January 17, 2008 6:51 AM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

I am praying for you at this difficult time. You and your blog have helped me in so many ways-thanks for sharing so honestly your faith, experiences and thoughts with all of us.
I truly believe that out of struggle, we grow stronger in our faith and unity with God.
God bless you, my friend!

January 17, 2008 8:47 AM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

I understand:) Prayers!

January 17, 2008 9:53 AM  
Anonymous Adoro said...

Hey, Lady, you know you're in my prayers. Sending you an email also.

January 17, 2008 10:19 AM  
Blogger Richie D said...

Prayers offered

January 17, 2008 10:25 AM  
Blogger Sanctus Belle said...

Do not lose hope. As you long as you have even just a spark of hope all will be well. When we are sick we need the doctor right? As you said, the priest is the only help for the soul in torment. I also will pray for you.

January 17, 2008 1:04 PM  
Anonymous Fr. John Zuhlsdorf o{]:¬) said...

Cathy: Take some advice from someone who has spent a great deal of time in Rome, including many years before there was an internet or telephone option.

Rome is a very hard city to live in. How I know this well. Rome plays with your head and your heart.

You will do better to stay connected with the larger world, even if you reduce your use of a blog.

In the meantime, you are not forgotten.

January 17, 2008 3:03 PM  
Blogger Ma Beck said...

Left something for ya on my blog, Cath.


January 17, 2008 3:55 PM  
Blogger Terry Nelson said...

Wouldn't ya know it - anything for comments! LOL! Just think of me singing this to you hon - "Love Will Keep Us Together" by Captain and Tenille - sp? Like chenille?


Seriously, you are very much in my prayer and my email should prove that.

January 17, 2008 8:06 PM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Friends: Really, I'm overpowered by the kindness you have all shown to me by these comments and the emails I've received. I'm in tears again but my humor is back too!

Some of you have shared very personal, similar, stories with me.For that, I'm really grateful.

January 17, 2008 8:40 PM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Really, it's Terry singing that reduced me to tears! Kidding.

Well, no, not entirely....fortunately, it's too cold outside right now for him to muster more then one chorus outside the window. You all know Terry stalks me, right?

January 17, 2008 8:42 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...


I feel much the same for my own reasons right now. I will be praying for you. This is my first visit to your blog but i have seen you comment on a few other blogs. God Bless.....

January 17, 2008 10:39 PM  
Blogger Our Word said...

Hang in there, chum. You've got a lot of people praying for you!

January 18, 2008 11:09 AM  
Blogger a thorn in the pew said...

You are in my prayers this weekend. Sometimes it is hardest to remember when we feel Christ so far away, it is during that time He is closest. A mystery we may understand some day. God bless.

January 18, 2008 8:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cathy--this is like the worst time of the year--after the holidays--the weather is gloomy--sin just sorta creeps in--Dang that Satan, he knows how to hit us at our weak points--but, your going to confession--Jesus loves you--you! After that you can just forget the sin--and move forward.

I'm praying for you!

January 18, 2008 11:20 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

Hey Cathy, I am sorry to hear about this difficult time in your life. If you need to take a 'blog break', that's understandable. But I think if you drop your blog, you are playing into Satan's hands. Satan tries to discourage us all the time. When I get at my lowest point, I say "Jesus, I trust in you'. Give it a try...put it in Jesus' hands!
And remember, Mother Teresa went 50 years without 'feeling' Christ's presence. But through faith, she knew He is there nonetheless.
God bless you!

January 19, 2008 8:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Certainly have experienced a lot of what you say..except we have confessions available twice every day..so we always have access to this Sacrament..why do you prefer open? Just interested..our Confessions are private in the confessional..

January 19, 2008 2:08 PM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Jackie: I'm envious! By "open" I meant during the regularly scheduled hours Father offers the Sacrament.

January 19, 2008 3:09 PM  
Blogger A. Noël said...

Delurking to say I hope you are feeling better by now. God bless you.

I've asked my patron saint, Thérèse of Lisieux, to pray for you in the hope you might be granted some little private sign this weekend to remind you that God never forgets about you, no matter where you go in your life or your heart. Be of good cheer, cathy_of_alex ... we are all on the journey together. Sometimes we walk ahead, sometimes we follow behind; sometimes we can help carry a load or give someone a moment of laughter... and sometimes all we can do is sit quietly while others pray for us. May the angels surround you with protection tonight.

January 19, 2008 8:36 PM  
Blogger Laura The Crazy Mama said...

I'm right there with ya, sistah. Been feeling like you since this Fall. I can't help you with any answers but I can pray for you like crazy!

January 24, 2008 3:19 AM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Thanks, A Noel and Crazy Mama!

January 24, 2008 6:25 AM  

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