December 15, 2007

Home for the Hostilities: Cathy's Tips for a Joyous Christmas with the Family!

I know we have some time before Christmas but it's never too early to plan ahead and many of you will start your holiday travels this week. Here are my tips for making your family holiday surviv, er, joyous!

1) Don't leave your house! (Terry submitted this one)

2) Go to church and stay there!

3) Prepare your response to your Lutheran in-laws desire to go up and receive Communion at a Catholic Christmas Mass beforehand. It starts with: NO! But, you may want to charitably expand on that a little beyond "No, you heretic!"

4) Leave your guns at home. I know some of you are saying: "If I don't bring my weapons, I'm leaving myself unable to answer the family assault" Remember: "Let peace begin with me" and "offer it up". See #5 and #7

5) Make sure you have no serious sins on your soul before you get there-just in case it gets ugly.

6) Have your dentist's emergency number handy in case you have to bite into Aunt Tilly's fruitcake and your teeth splits again. See #7

7) Know where the nearest ER is and how to get there-See #10

8) Bring your traveling Catholic items: Rosary, Bible, prayer book, holy water, crucifixes, exorcism salt.

9) Read up on all current sporting events/news so you can drop little tidbits to make it sound like a you give a da-- about any of it.

10) Know where the nearest Catholic church is and what their Mass and Confession times are. Also, plan how you are are going to get there.

11) Study the weather patterns for the next week and the last week in the area. Weather can be a safe topic of conversation-assuming no one brings up the name of Al Gore then all bets are off.

12) Have an escape plan! It can be as simple as a room to retreat to for quiet recitation of one hundred Hail Mary's to calm yourself. Or, it can be running to a neighbors house, sleeping in the unheated garage with the below zero ready sleeping bag you brought, or having the routes to the nearest hotel mapped out.

I pray these 12 tips help you have a happy and blessed holiday!

9 Comments:

Blogger Ray from MN said...

Good suggestions for some, Cathy.

But greedy entrepreneurs owning movie theaters, bars, restaurants and soon, discount stores, will be open on noon on Christmas Day to cater to those wanting to beat the Christmas-Gift- -Return-Rush and catch a passable movie. There aren't many good ones these days.

December 15, 2007 12:58 PM  
Blogger ignorant redneck said...

Imight want to add a suggestion--just prior to the holiday season, get yourself dis-owned so that you don't have to run the risks.

Works best if your family is a trifle vindictive and/or emo.

December 15, 2007 1:24 PM  
Blogger swissmiss said...

I'm printing and laminating your list and will quiz hubby on it before we leave the house and head to the relatives ;}

December 15, 2007 2:49 PM  
Blogger Angela Messenger said...

ROFLMAO!!!

December 15, 2007 4:09 PM  
Blogger Tom in Vegas said...

Cathy-

What if the in-laws are already Catholic but every bit as annoying as your hypothetical Lutherans? Are you stuck?

Also, would it be that bad to tell them you are celebrating Ramadan this year and then secretly spend the time with Catholic friends?

Tom:0)

December 15, 2007 7:30 PM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

IR: No chance. They never disown anyone and, believe it or not, I'm one of the most stable members!

Tom: Last time I checked deceit was on the list of sins! You know if you say you are celebrating Ramadan you can't eat between sunrise and sundown. I don't know about you but that's a tough thing to undergo in order to avoid some people! LOL!

December 15, 2007 8:12 PM  
Blogger Terry Nelson said...

Now this is really funny!

December 15, 2007 9:04 PM  
Blogger Mrs Jackie Parkes MJ said...

Great ideas!

December 16, 2007 10:36 AM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Ter: I knew you'd love it.

December 16, 2007 3:40 PM  

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