October 09, 2006

Hello God, it's me

Gentle Reader: Sorry, I've been scarce lately. I've been frantically trying to get my porch floor sanded and my porch painted before the snow flies. In Minnesota, that could be Thursday. I spent too much time this Spring and Summer bicycling and not enough time on my home. I'm payin' for it now.

Today, I spent the Columbus Day holiday bent over a belt sander. When I was not complaining about the hot poker in my low back, I considered how lucky I really am.

I'm a single woman and I have my own home. Yes, times are tight right now. My job is frustrating and my employer barely acknowledged the cost-of-living in my last "raise". It could be a lot worse. I've had it a lot worse.

Yet, still, I am occasionally unsatisfied.

Why?

For the first time in my life, I, finally, feel ready to be married and start a family. Well, I'm pushing 40 so it better be soon, Lord. I get angry because I'm not finding the man for me. I've often felt that I am not "meant" to be married or have kids. Perhaps, it's true, but then, what?

I'm frustrated with my job. I've been in the same job for nearly 10 years and I'm bored with it. There are no opportunities for further advancement. The money is not as good as it used to be. My commute to work is a lot longer then I'd like.

I have always strongly identified with the 1st Sorrowful Mystery: The Agony of Jesus in the Garden. I often feel alone. I often feel scared and angry with God. Why me? What do you want? Can you take this pain away from me please?

I may eventually find acceptance: "Not my will, but yours, be done" Strange, I never seem to find acceptance until or when I pray about it. It doesn't mean after accepting it for a while that I don't get frustrated again down the road. But, then, I need to pray again.

Or, an idea will come into my head. "No, Cathy, do this". It must be the Lord. The idea of starting this blog came during a prayer session. "Hey, Cathy, you are an o.k. writer. You have a story that others may find interesting. Start a blog."

The problem is: I don't speak to God enough. If I spend more then 2 hours a week in conversation with the Lord it's got to be a record. I have my standing hour of Adoration and I pray during that. I pray before, during, and after Mass. But, outside of Adoration and Mass: I pray very little or not at all.

Even during Adoration and Mass my mind wanders a lot and I forget what I'm doing. I really admire the Doctors and Saints who spent hours, or even days, in prayer. I recognize that I don't have the mental strength for that. I'm sure strong prayer is something that is learned but I don't work on it enough.

If it's true that God knows my past, present and future, how can I know what His will is for me is if I'm not listening to Him? If God can be persuaded by his Mother: How can I ask the Blessed Mother to talk to her Son for me, if I'm not asking her?

I hate New Years Resolutions. I stink at them. I don't bother to come up with one. But, this month I'm making a resolution to pray at least once/day. I'm not going to set a time limit or a minimum on it. I'm not going to say it has to be a certain time. I'm going to start small and see where it takes me. It may involve praying the Rosary, the Liturgy of the Hours, reading the Bible or just listening for the Lord.

5 Comments:

Blogger :o) said...

try tying your prayers to something you do every day.. taking a shower, brushing your teeth, etc. (That's assuming you find value in cleanliness ;o))

When I find my mind wandering I sometimes say my prayers out loud or at least mouth them. It helps me.

October 09, 2006 5:46 PM  
Blogger Ray from MN said...

Boy, do I know of what you speak, Cathy.

For years I couldn't do anything about consistent prayer. Then I subscribed to Magnificat magazine for several years. That was pretty great. If you haven't seen it it is a small pocket/purse sized monthly prayer book with the Mass readings for the month and other morning and evening devotions. They mail a new one to you each month.

Then I dropped that but I started to use my computer as a reminder. I set up Outlook to remind me to say morning prayers (the Angelus and the Morning Offering), and that worked pretty good.

And as time has passed, I've added more prayers at other times of the day. As long as I am so glued to my computer, it's hard to ignore the reminder. It even beeps if I am not in front of it at the moment.



Of course, I do some days. But most days I don't.

October 09, 2006 6:54 PM  
Blogger Angela Messenger said...

My friend schedules time to pray into her day. It might be just a short time but she tries to be consistent.

I subscribe to Word Among Us magazine - it has meditations for each day and lists the daily readings. It also has 4 or 5 stories tied into the theme of the month. June was Adoration, October is the Blessed Mother.

If you can get to daily Mass that might help too.

Also - remember St. Therese of Lisieux was often distracted during prayer - she offered it up and look what happened to her - doctor of the Church and sainthood!

October 09, 2006 11:06 PM  
Blogger Adoro Te Devote said...

Great post!

And try this prayer:

Lord, to your mercy I entrust my past, my present, to your love, and my future to your providence.
~ St. Pio

Just keep trying. Just say little prayers here and there, maybe a little, "Jesus, I trust in thee", and after awhile, it will become habitual to pray those little prayers, which often turn into conversations.

God bless!

~ Adoro

October 10, 2006 7:53 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

I adore the Lord almost daily, pray the Morning Prayers of the Liturgy of the Hours and offer up petitions constantly during each day.
Hmmm, why am I sharing this? Well, I guess you could consider going to the Adoration Chapel more often, maybe unscheduled.

October 14, 2006 11:56 PM  

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